Monkey See...Monkey Do

 

Potty Training for Dummies

This has been a great week. Jack - and toddlers in general - always amazes me. As a first-time mom, I had no idea what to do with regard to potty training. Many encouraged me to just wait till he was ready. Others said that the later I waited, the harder it was going to be. I noticed that Jack just did not care when he peed in his diaper. He didn't have any desire to sit on the potty. I assumed that he'd be 5 before he even made an attempt.

But I read a weekly parenting column in the paper, and the woman who wrote in said that one day she told her 2 yr old (who had no interest like Jack) that the diapers were all gone. She stuck him in undies. When he made a mess, she'd calmly change him and say "you feel wet, don't you?" but didn't make a big deal about it. In 3 days, he was accident-free. I decided, heck, let's just try it.

Last week, when I bought the underwear, he cried. All of Walmart heard him say "No, I want diapers! Pee pee in diapers!" I thought for sure this wouldn't work. Today is Day 4. He went from (day 1) never stepping foot inside the bathroom to (today) peeing and pooping in the potty. And having the ability to hold it in. It was a little embarrassing having him run around the car dealership today holding himself. He wanted so badly to not wet his pants, but he's not too fond of public bathrooms. Who can blame him? :)

Thank you

I just wanted to say thank you to all who sent cards, emailed me, and called on Friday. Your remembrance of Bernadette on her special day meant the world to us.

Annual Trip to Pumpkin Patch

An oopsie

So, several months ago I posted a recipe for Cincinnati Chili, a favorite meal of ours.  You'll notice the word chili, which usually means it contains chili powder.  Yeah, well, I failed to type out that the recipe calls for 1 tablespoon of chili powder.  Oops.  So, if it tasted a little...blah, boring...it's not because we have horrible taste in food, but because I apparently stink at proofreading.

John Mark said I can blame it on pregnancy brain, but I don't even think I was pregnant at the time, so there goes that excuse.  Hmm...

On another note, I can't believe it's October.  A year ago last weekend, we made our trip to Baltimore.  Two weeks later, our daughter passed away.  The picture of Jack on my main blog page is from our annual visit to the pumpkin patch that we made a week before we headed north.  (Yes, I know, I absolutely stink at updating photos.)  We are heading there again this weekend, and I wonder how I'm going to handle it.  I don't even know how to describe what it's like to be living in the season in which she died.  It's just...strange.  It seems impossible that a year has passed.  Almost as if I'm in the movie Groundhog's Day, and I am pregnant with Bernadette all over again.  I brought out some fall decorations from the garage and discovered the little candy bowl - in the shape of fall leaves - that was left at our house when we arrived home after her death.  It held caramels left by our neighbors.  I didn't cry when I picked it up...I just felt that ache that I sometimes feel when I find myself reliving those weeks last October.  I see a pot of mums on someone's porch, and I am brought back to that day we arrived and saw mums on our own porch left by yet another neighbor (yeah, we live on a great street with amazing neighbors).  

Fall is my favorite season here in the south.  But I had anticipated a sort of dread with its (slow) arrival because of all the bad memories associated with it.  But there's a nostalgia, in a way.  The week following Bernadette's passing, we came home.  This is where I healed, grew up, and learned how to live again.  I have to admit though, that I look forward to getting through her 1 year anniversary, something that has been looming on the horizon for what seems like forever.

First drawing!

Jack drew his first drawing!  Yup, you guessed it - Thomas the Tank Engine, 3 wheels and all.  I was just floored when I walked into the living room and saw a train drawn on the paper.  I rushed over and grabbed the half dozen sheets he had drawn them on and hid them in my "Jack file" for fear of him tearing them up and sprinkling them all over the cat.  OK, I admit, I also stuck one on the fridge to show it off.

I'm not quite sure why this milestone is so exciting to me.  I shouldn't be surprised that he knows how to draw them since he has begged me to draw about 5000 of them in the past 8 months.  Everytime I have a pen in my hand, he screams "draw Thomas!  Draw Diesel!  Draw Toby!"  I'm sure the check out lady at Publix thinks my artistic shopping list is just darling.  :)

Someday...

I'll get used to a child vomiting all over me repeatedly.  You can tell the difference between a new mom (me) and a veteran like my sister-in-law, Caroline.  Jack and I were visiting her family this past weekend, and we almost went the whole trip without getting sick (I get sick easily when I travel).  But alas, the last night, Jack woke up at midnight and threw up his dinner all over our bed.  Then subsequently threw up whatever was left for the next few hours.  His instinct was to put his face in my shirt and let me have it.  Then rest his head against me...right in the mess.  Having this happen at my own house is one thing.  Having it happen when I'm sharing someone else's guest-room bed with my son is another.  Oh yeah, and not having hubby with me to take care of the messy work. Thank God I was able to drive the 6 hrs home the next morning without showing any symptoms.  I had the plastic bag ready just in case, but it seems like I was spared.

I hate seeing my kid suffer.  I guess in a few years, things like stomach viruses and strept throat won't phase me.  For now, I want to cry when I see how uncomfortable he is.  Makes me realize just how difficult it would have been to watch Bernadette go through the dozens of surgeries she would have experienced if she had lived.  I pray for all parents who have to watch their children suffer, especially those in the hospital and those with chronic illnesses.  May God grant you peace and strength.

It's been awhile

After my computer got struck by lightening last month, I kind of got out of the blogging habit. I just wanted to give an update on us, even though I doubt anyone is actually reading this anymore! :)

By the grace of God, John Mark and I have been blessed with Baby Bean #3 who is due on February 24. We just learned that it is a baby girl. Wow, I am the mother of 2 daughters - neither of which I've actually met, but it's still crazy. Jack is of course excited. With Bernadette, he was too little to get the whole baby-in-belly concept. He was more amazed at the morphing of my belly button. I'm trying to teach him that he has 2 sisters - one in heaven and one in my tummy - but I'm sure it's a hard thing to grasp for a 2 yr old.

She looks wonderfully healthy so far. I've had an u/s during each visit, and so far so good. All her organs are inside her body, and I even got to see her bladder, which was more of a relief to me than I thought possible. Yeah, there are just some things I will never take for granted again.

So, there are a lot of mixed and complicated emotions that are going along with this pregnancy. I had a particularly hard time during the first trimester, b/c another 9 months seemed like an eternity after the nightmare of the previous year. But I guess it's just grace that's allowing me to enjoy it. I don't sit around and worry about the what-ifs as much as I thought I would.

I'll keep y'all updated. There's still a long road ahead and a lot can happen in the next 5 months, but I'm just praying that I'll survive whatever is around the corner.

God Bless,
Michele

9 month anniversary

Yesterday marked 9 months since our baby's heart beat its last. 9 months ago today, I delivered her. It's just unbelievable how time just keeps moving forward without me.

It's been awhile...

So, it's been awhile since I've posted in my blog. We're doing well here. Jack and I are staying busy, although I make an extra effort to stay close to home b/c of gas prices. I have thought about how great it would be to live on a large piece of land in the country, and then I realize that there are great benefits to living in town. Everything is within a few miles of our home. Now, if only they would improve the sidewalks on some of the main roads, and we can ditch the car all together. :)

I recently read this list (below, in purple) of what to do/say and not do/say when someone has lost a child. I think it's hard for people to read me, b/c I often appear "just fine", when really, I'm a mess inside. Other times, I really am doing okay. I don't blame others for not understanding, but I can honestly say that one of the most difficult aspects of losing Bernadette is the feeling of isolation. Of people unintentionally saying the wrong things, of people not realizing what hurts. Of people not talking about this terrible experience b/c they don't want to make me upset. Or maybe they have forgotten. Again, I don't have the expectations that I once had. I've realized that I would be equally clueless if I had never experienced something like this. I do appreciate all of you who have asked me how I am doing. And I mean how I am really doing. I got off the phone with my friend Mandy a few weeks ago, and I just felt this huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I was so grateful for her honesty and willingness to talk about my loss. For being the one instigating the questions, not waiting for me to bring it up (b/c oftentimes, I'm afraid that the other person isn't interested if she doesn't ask about it). And for reminding me that she is always available to listen if I needed an open ear. Even though it's been 8 months, I still feel very haunted by Bernadette's death, although it isn't as constant as it once was. And I can't say enough how comforting it is to be able to talk about it. If it seems that I talk too much about it or if the subject is getting just plain old, I apologize. My loss is something that hardly ever leaves my mind, so it is a very natural process for it to overflow into my conversations. I am sorry if it feels uncomfortable or gets old. Hopefully, someday I'll be able to just keep my thoughts to myself. :)

I talk to several moms online whom I've become close to, and I've noticed that it is not uncommon for those who have suffered infant losses to have a VERY hard time around other babies. At first, I thought I was nuts, and I tried to force myself to be ok around other infants. But then I realized that it is very normal to have this reaction. I can't express enough how my heart crumbles into pieces when I see or hear about other babies who are close to Bernadette's age. It's not about jealousy or envy. It's about having the reminder of my loss being shoved into my face. The reminder of what is missing in my life. And I suspect this doesn't change even after having subsequent children. Undoubtedly, time will heal, but even after 8 months, it is still very painful. My baby should be making faces at her big brother, receiving hugs and love from him. She should be learning to crawl (ok, maybe not yet, since she will have spent much of her infancy in a hospital crib). She should be drooling and squeeling. Not buried 6 feet underground.

Anyway, here is the article. Maybe it can help those who have friends in similar situations as myself:

	Written by Elspeth Ludemann. First published in "North and South" (New Zealand) in March 1991). My child has died - what can you do to help? Please don't ask "how are you?" unless you really want to know the answer... "How are you?" has become a meaningless greeting to which the expected answer is "fine". But I am not fine. At best I'm a bit fragile and a lot of the time I'm far worse - I feel upset, hurt, bewildered, angry, guilty. But these and other normal feelings which follow the death of someone you love are not the things of polite conversation. So if you are not prepared to hear about them, choose another way to greet me. Don't expect too much of me too soon.... If I'd broken my leg I'd have a plaster cast on and you wouldn't expect me to get back to normal for months. You can't put broken feelings in plaster and you can't see the scars. But they need time to heal and I need time to come to terms with the realisation that "normal" from now on is life without my child. Don't ignore the death or the child that died... You wouldn't have any trouble talking about good news. If I'd just won Lotto it would be the first thing you would mention. Bad news is different - you probably don't know what to say or how to say it. But the death of my child is the most important thing in my life and it helps to acknowledge that. Be honest, and try to avoid platitudes... "This is awful, I don't know what to say" is far more help than cliched phrases that aren't true anyway. Time alone doesn't heal, the fact we've got each other is irrelevant because two drowning people can't save each other and there is no comfort in the thought of this misery being God's will. Don't think that having, or being able to have, other children will lessen the pain of my child's death... A child who loses a favorite toy will not be placated by a substitute. And so it is with people. I loved my child for who he was as an individual, not as an interchangeable piece in a set and mourning for him, at least at first, will strain rather than strengthen bonds with other children. If you want to help, make specific offers not empty promises... Saying "if there's anything I can do" might make you feel good, but I'm unlikely to take you up because I probably don't know what I need and I'm unsure what your "anything" means. However if you turn up with food, an offer to baby-sit, or just a listening ear, your kindness will be gratefully accepted. Practice, don't preach... However weak or strong my faith, and whatever your beliefs, this is no time for sermons. Be sensitive... I find it hard to believe life in the outside world is still going on when my private world has collapsed. I hope my child's death won't leave me bitter. But it will take me time before the weight of my own feelings lightens enough to allow me to share your joys or sorrows. Don't expect me to follow a prescribed pattern of grieving... Denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance are all stages in the grief process but no two people will go through them in the same way. I'll have good days and bad days, sometimes I'll cope with a lot, at other times I'll be phased by little things. It may seem illogical to you, but then feelings often are. Don't confuse control with coping... A stiff upper lip probably means I've got a tight rein on my feelings, not that I have come to terms with them. You may not be comfortable with crying or screaming but they are far healthier than numbness, which is a sign of denial. Keep in touch... I'll always be grateful for the practical and moral support you gave immediately after the death and I know you have to get on with your life. But grief doesn't end with the funeral and occasional phone call, note or visit will let me know you haven't forgotten. The death of my child has left me emotionally and spiritually shattered. It will take time to put the pieces together again, to rebuild relationships. But when things get really bad, knowing there is a friend who cares may be all I need to tip the balance in favour of recovery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the way, here is a video John Mark took on Jack's birthday. We had a low-key weekend, but Jack seemed to enjoy himself regardless...



I also have a bunch of beach photos and will post them soon.

Happy Birthday, my boy

Jack turns 2 yrs old today!

Hon, you bring more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. Here's to the wonderful 2's!

I need a vacation...

Rejoice in our suffering...

As most of you know, John Paul the Great passed away 2 hours before John Mark and I received the Sacrament of Marriage on April 2, 2005. I was getting my dress on in my mother-in-law's office across the street from the Cathedral. I was alone. The bells tolled, and I knew. I knew he had passed. I remember just dropping to my knees and praying a prayer of thanksgiving that he no longer suffered. Praying for our Church who would undoubtedly feel the gaping hole which had been his great and wonderful papacy. During our marriage ceremony, while my brother Joe began the Prayers of the Faithful with a prayer that our Papa rest in peace, I cried because I knew how much we would all miss him.

I was searching for this song, Homesick, by Mercy Me, on youtube because it has spoken powerfully to me these past 7 months. Seeing this video of JPII hit home because I can see now just how united we all are in Christ. I can see now how Bernadette was welcomed into heaven by all the angels and saints, including our beloved pope. I can't tell you how much comfort I find in that.

One thing that a lot of my friends may not know is that my mother and father lost their first child hours after his birth. They were always very open about it, but being the youngest of six and having a very relaxed childhood, it was just a part of our family's history. I felt no connection towards Emerick, my older brother. I was very sad for my parents, but until Bernadette died, I never really got what it must have been like for them. My mother never even got to see her son. How blessed we were to be able to hold our daughter and say goodbye.

Emerick was also at the gates of heaven to greet his niece. To carry her home. Thank God for that. Thank God for eternity.

Falling Slowly

Shattered Hopes

This video pretty much sums up our experience. It was very difficult to listen to this couple share their story - many tears were shed because the emotions I experienced during my 20 wk ultrasound and during the subsequent months were precisely what they were describing in this interview. The anger towards God, the fear to hope for miraculous healing, the feelings of complete loss of control. Shattered hopes.

I remember calling John Mark from my car with the news that our baby was sick. Not believing the words coming out of my mouth. It was such a slap in the face when the news just kept getting worse. I yelled at God - why are you letting this happen? What have I done wrong? I have been faithful to you, why aren't you faithful to me? And when she died, I just couldn't understand why he would take her from us when we had done everything we could to save her.

But there's always that quiet voice in my head that reminds me that this life is not ours. That we are called to serve him through every circumstance, every trial, every triumph. Why shouldn't I carry this cross? Since when was I told that suffering wouldn't have a place in my life? We should embrace it and get excited that we are able to participate in Christ's suffering. There is nothing but good that has come from her short life on earth.

Grieving is a very slow process. I am learning to trust again, but at the same time, I am still learning to accept that I have no idea what the future holds for me and my family. I still think about our daughter constantly and wonder what she'd be doing at this very moment if she were here with us. But I've stopped pinching myself, wondering when I'll wake up from this nightmare. I've stopped yelling at God, asking "why me?" A lot of wisdom has been gained...I no longer fool myself into thinking that I know what tomorrow will bring. Which is a marvelous thing really, because that leaves a lot more time for me to enjoy today.

1, 2, 3...

Toddlers just amaze me. I was always a little intimidated with the prospect of teaching a child how to read and count (and I want to homeschool? Hmm...), but it's actually a lot easier than I had imagined. A month or two ago, I drew a "W" and Jack pointed to it and said "double do, double do!" A couple of days later, I drew "W" again with chalk on the sidewalk. He said "Mmmmmm!" I then realized that he was sitting opposite me and was reading the letter upside down. I was just amazed!

Today, he woke me up (way too early, I might add). When Bernadette died, for some reason, he started using a pacifier at night. So, now he just loves his paci. This morning, he had one in his mouth, and he walked over to "the spot" in one of our kitchen cabinets (i.e. the place where we stash them when he's awake) and he said "One paci...want two pacis." He even put the "s" at the end of paci. I handed him a second paci. He said "Two pacis...want 3 pacis!" I was just blown away that he knew what "One, two, three" meant. I mean, how do kids know that numbers are for counting and not just words that go together in sequence? Crazy.

Jack's best bud, Ben, who is 26 months has this thing where he will count to 12 (usually skipping 6 or 7) and then scream "Blast Off!" and run as fast as he can to the opposite end of the yard with his arms shot out in front of him. I'm not sure if it's just a coincidence that children in this town (home to NASA) learn how to count by pretending to be rockets. But regardless, it's to die for. These kids are irresistible.

Earth Day & Vocations

This is what Jack thinks of Earth Day: not much. During Story Time at the library today, the librarian gave each toddler a dixie cup to fill with dirt and a junior sunflower seed. Know what Jack did with his cup? Poured it all over the floor. Yup, the only kid in the room of 20 to do it. That's my boy.

But, I still think he may be destined for the priesthood. He now blesses me when I sneeze. :-)

I wish it could just stop

Yet another friend, Natalie, (from the Catholic forum I belong to) has lost her baby. She delivered him on April 17, exactly 6 months after I lost Bernadette, exactly 3 months after my friend Danielle lost her son, William. My birthday is on the 17th of August, but I'm beginning to seriously resent that day of the month.

So, please pray for her son, Benjamin, and for the consolation of his family on earth. Oh how she must be aching for him right now. It was only after I had lost Bernadette that I knew what a shattered heart truly felt like. It's such a nightmare.

My family has been through a lot this past year. Just to give you an idea, there were 5 of us cousins (including my sister and I) who were pregnant at the same time in 2007. One suffered a miscarriage, two of us had stillbirths about 6 months apart, one of them had an emergency C-section and almost lost her life (and her son had his cord wrapped around his neck several times but thankfully survived), and the other delivered twins, one of which has a disabled arm. The two cousins who had lost their babies are pregnant again, and I want to ask you to please pray for the safety of their precious children and for peace of mind of the parents. We aren't pregnant yet (we pray that someday God will give us that gift again), but I can only imagine how terrifying it is to go through the entire 9 months after having experienced such a tragedy. In some ways, I feel like my womb is not the safe place it should be. So much is out of our control as mothers, and those who have lost feel incredibly vulnerable and scared. I have strong faith that God will bless these moms with screaming babies at the end, but I'm sure that doesn't change the anxiety they must feel.

God Bless you both! I pray for you constantly!

6 months

Today marks 6 months since Bernadette's passing. It's been the longest 6 months of my life, yet the most eye-opening and grace-filled ones, too.

I don't regret a minute of it.

Prenatal Partners for Life

PPFL requested that I write our story for their website. The link is here.

Welcoming Pope Benedict

In honor of our Holy Father visiting this week...



Jack and he have a special relationship (neither of them know it, however), because Jack's middle name is Benedict. Here is when he was a wee little lad:

I am in awe...

I received the Bladder Exstrophy (ABC) newsletter in the mail today. It is usually too painful for me to read, but I took a random glance at the donations page. In memory of Bernadette, there was $525 donated! I was tempted to list the names of those who donated (they were printed in the newsletter), but I don't want to in case you wish to remain anonymous. But thank you all for your generous gifts. This money can do so much. Many families need to travel long distances to get the proper care for this complicated condition, and all donations help with their expenses. I remember the financial stresses being lifted off of my shoulders when I realized that ABC could help us pay for the flights to and from Baltimore if we couldn't afford them in the future. Obviously, that's not necessary for us now that Bernadette is gone, but knowing that other families will be helped in her name brings great joy to my heart. So thank you all! And God Bless,

Michele, John Mark, Jack, and ^Bernadette^

Paula Deen rocks

If you can find a Boston Butt Roast on sale, I highly recommend buying it and making this recipe. It makes a lot, and you can freeze the leftovers and/or make BBQ pork sandwiches for the next day's lunch. John Mark and I both agree that this roast tastes a lot like BBQ ribs. Mmmm...Fatt Matt's! :-)

Paula's Smoked Boston Butt Roast
1 (5lb) pork butt
2T seasoning salt
4T house seasoning (see recipe below) (I usually just use 2T)
4T liquid smoke (I use about 3T)
1 medium onion, sliced
1 cup water
3 bay leaves
2 cups BBQ sauce

house seasoning:
1 cup salt
1/4 cup pepper
1/4 cup garlic powder

(obviously, you can cut this recipe in half or in fourths. :)

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2) Sprinkle one side of roast with 2 tablespoons of house seasoning, rubbing well.
3) Flip roast over and rub remaining 2 tablespoons.
4) Repeat process with seasoned salt and liquid smoke.
5) Place roast in large roasting pan (not on rack).
6) Place onion and bay leaves on top of the roast. Pour water over top.
7) Put in oven and cook ~2.5-3 hours or until 170 degrees.
8) Allow meat to cool, then slice and serve.
9) Serve with BBQ sauce on the side.

Note: I'm not sure if it matters, but I roasted this with the fat layer on top. I figured the fat would melt a little and would seep into the meat, thus making it more tender. Probably not the healthiest option, but...well, it's definitely yummy! :)

I served this with baked sweet potatoes and steamed veggies (to make up for the fatty meat). The next night, I reheated the pork leftovers and served it with baked fries and homemade coleslaw:

Coleslaw
1 bag coleslaw mix
3/4 cup mayo (I use light)
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1 tsp yellow mustard (opt'l...we add it)
2T sugar
Salt and pepper, to taste

1. Mix mayo, vinegar, mustard, sugar, salt, and pepper with a whisk.
2. Mix with the coleslaw mix until well coated.
3. Chill and serve.

Baked Fries (adapted from Hillbilly Housewife's recipe)
A few potatoes (we generally do 1 potato each person, preferably russet)
Veggy oil (we use canola)
Seasoned salt
Ziploc Bag

1. Slice up potatoes to preferred thickness. We keep the skins on them.
2. Place in ziploc bag and toss in about a tablespoon of oil. Shake it around to coat the potatoes.
3. Spread potatoes onto a cookie sheet or pizza stone.
4. Bake at 450 degrees for about 15-20 minutes, depending on thickness.
5. Sprinkle seasoned salt on them. Serve with ketchup. :)

First uttered prayer

Jack has been saying "Jesus" for awhile now, but today he's made great strides in his faith, LOL. John Mark was holding him in our living room near a picture of Mary with Child, and Jack pointed to her saying "Mommy! Mommy!" Wow, kids are just amazing. (And no, Mary bears no resemblance to me. I just make it a habit of pointing to Mary's statue at church and saying "that's our momma." I guess he really has been listening. :)

Anyway, 30 minutes later, we were saying grace before dinner, and he yelled "Amen!" We started laughing and making a big fuss, so he repeated it a few more times with a big grin on his face before he lost interest and starting chowing on his rice.

My boy is destined to become a priest. I just know it.

:-)

By the way, happy 3rd year anniversary John Mark! It's been a wild ride. We also say a special prayer of remembrance for John Paul II who passed away only a few hours before our wedding...Rest in Peace, Papa!

Chicken Fajitas

I just made some yummy chicken fajitas, using a recipe I adapted from this one:
Here is my version:

1-1.5 lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts or thighs, sliced into strips
1 red bell pepper, sliced
1/2 large onion, sliced
1 garlic clove, minced (~1/2 tsp)
1 Tbsp veg oil
1 Tbsp lime juice
1/2 tsp of each of the following:
chili powder
cumin
salt
black pepper
~1/4-1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
8 flour tortillas

The toppings we used:
salsa
shredded cheddar cheese
lettuce
tomatoes
sour cream

1. Saute bell pepper, chicken, onion, garlic in oil.
2. Add lime juice and spices. Simmer for a few minutes.
3. Warm tortillas by placing a few on a plate in between 2 damp paper towels. Microwave for ~45 seconds to 1 minute.
4. Toss a scoop into a warm tortilla, then add your favorite toppings.

Choo-choo

The weekend before Easter, we went on a train ride at the railroad museum. I have issues with celebrating Easter during Lent, but we put up with the Peter Cottontail theme and had a great time. Jack was terrified of the bunny. I mean, scared.out.of.his.mind. If you check out his frightful Santa encounter you'll get the idea of what it was like to be hugged by a giant mint green furry creature with massive eyeballs. And to answer your question, yes, he was the only kid on the entire train who cried. (We just tell ourselves that he's smart.)

Here are some pics:



And the photo below is what I was referring to in my previous post.

Happy Easter

I'm mainly writing this to let y'all know that The Gaudet Family - our friends from Mobile - will be on Extreme Makeover this evening on ABC.  I'm still wondering if Ty got a concussion from being tackled by the boys...on the news clips, it looked downright painful.

Holy Week has been spiritually exhausting for me.  I think sometimes it's easy to just push grief and suffering aside, if only to catch my breath and to give my heavy heart a break, but I made an extra effort to meditate on my sorrow and experience Christ's Passion as I've never experienced it before.  I used to go to Confession at the beginning of Lent...it's not one of my favorite activities, so I usually want to get it over with.  But I waited until Holy Thursday this year.  I had gone in December, but the sadness was still so raw back then, that I was sort of numb through the whole thing.  There was a long line this time, and Jack was with John Mark at work, so I was able to focus all my energy on what these past few months have done in regards to my faith.  It was painful, mainly because my current weaknesses and sin are all new to me - they are reminders of the person I had become the moment Bernadette's heart stopped beating.   In many aspects, the new me is stronger in her faith - I have witnessed God's grace in so many ways that I simply could not deny him at this point.  But at the same time, the temptations of envy, fear, pride, and hard-heartedness can throw swings at me so fast that I hardly have time to prepare for impact.  As C.S. Lewis states in The Screwtape Letters, Satan will try to grab hold of you in the most subtle ways.  The example I remember most is that of the faithful Christian who attends a Sunday service and becomes increasingly annoyed at the off-key singer behind him.  The devil knows our weaknesses and will do anything to break us.  And when a tragedy hits close to home, he'll do anything to use it to his advantage.  

When something bad happens, I picture it like a railroad track that's about to split into 2 routes (can you tell I'm around train talk a lot?).  There is a point in the track where there are 4 steel rails instead of 2, and they slowly split off into 2 separate tracks.  Grief can sorta be that way.  There is a bit of time where you can sometimes feel like there are 2 paths in one - you feel angry and alone.  You push God away, insisting that he is not welcome anymore.  But at the same time, you hold onto him and pray fervently that he will get you through this mess.  Eventually, you must choose whether you will allow the anger to boil over and envelope your life.  Or whether you will embrace his love, accept his grace, and trust that he has a perfect plan for you.  I hope and pray that I can experience each day to the fullest in the spirit of our daughter's memory.  She represents what life is really all about - sharing eternity with our Father in heaven.

Happy Easter.

In the Kitchen

Today was a rainy day, and after playing in the puddles for a bit, I decided to make a couple of batches of this rice craft. It is so incredibly easy, and although it can make a mess (albeit a very easy one to clean up), Jack has such a great time that I like to do it for him while I'm doing the dishes or cooking dinner. He loves to push his matchbox cars around in it, spoon it into cups, and pour it into other containers (or all over the floor).

I absolutely love to cook. I am (very) far from a gourmet chef and I'm not very creative when it comes to designing my own recipes. But I love to try new things. The best online source I have found thus far is www.recipezaar.com. I have been using it for several years now, and some of my tried-and-true recipes are on there. I'm going to try to post some of my favorites on a regular basis. I don't know the rules in terms of copyright, so I will just post a link whenever possible.

Last night, I made Paula Dean's Asian Orzo Pasta Chicken Salad for the first time. I thought it was a clever way to get some vegetables into my family's mouth. Jack didn't care for it, but John Mark and I ate it up. It would be great for a potluck or a picnic. I thought it was a tad bland, so I added more soy sauce and a dash of salt. Chilling it overnight made it more flavorful, too. I have a hard time finding a big chunk of time to devote to dinner, so I always see what I can do the night before after Jack is asleep. I chopped up the veggies, thawed a whole chicken, and cooked the orzo pasta. The next day, I steamed the chicken using the method found at my other favorite website, Hillbilly Housewife. Pulled the chicken off, mixed all the ingredients together, and tossed the bowl in the fridge for later. So much less stressful!

Today, I made Cincinnati Chili, one of our favorites. I also cooked this for my whole family while we were at our family reunion in Pennsylvania. It's a great comfort food! And it's very easy to double or triple, which I did this time around to give to a family we know who just had a baby and another friend of ours who just underwent surgery. The recipe is below. I guess it would serve about 4 people, but I almost always double it (and in this case did x4), and whatever I have left we eat for lunch or I freeze. It freezes very well!

Cincinnati Chili

1 lb ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced (~1/2 tsp)
1 T chili powder (edited to add this - I can't believe I forgot it!)

1 tsp all spice
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp cayenne (I use 1/4 tsp to reduce the heat)
1/2 tsp salt
1.5 Tbsp cocoa (the powder stuff)
1 (15oz) can tomato sauce
1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
1/2 C water
16 oz box of spaghetti noodles, cooked and drained
1-2 C cheddar cheese

1. Saute onion, beef, garlic, and chili powder until beef is slightly cooked. (I usually fully cook the beef and it's still great.)

2. Add remaining ingredients besides the spaghetti noodles and cheese.

3. Reduce heat and simmer uncovered for 1.5 hrs.

4. Serve over noodles and sprinkle with cheddar cheese.

Yum! I like to serve this with a simple salad on the side.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope.
When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you.
When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me with you, says the LORD ...

Someone posted this passage on a forum I am on, and although I have heard it a million times, it hit me more than ever this time. I need to tattoo this verse onto my hand, place it on my dashboard in the car, and write it in big fat letters on my refrigerator door to drill it into my head that I am taken care of. That God has a plan for me. Sometimes I feel like I am really making strides in my healing, but then something random will trigger a setback (or is it really a setback at all? Maybe it's just part of the process.). I have been really struggling with letting go of my desires for that perfect family. OK, my definition of a perfect family probably doesn't equal many people's. But for me, it means children. Lots of children that make lots of noise. Chaotic love. Sometimes I feel like I am failing Jack because I know how much he enjoys other kids. I imagine that great bond between siblings and worry that it will be a while before he ever gets to have that (if at all).

But then I scold myself because I know just how foolish I am. I have two beautiful children, even though only one is walking this earth with us. I have a wonderful husband who works hard so that I can stay at home. We have a roof over our head, food in our fridge, and a brand new swing set to boot, lol. (thanks Mom and Dad!) Yes, we have a cross to bear - losing a child isn't something that one ever really gets over. But many people aren't able to have children at all, and some families don't have enough money to put food on the table. Wow, do I have it good!

So, I offer up my grief and frustrations for those who struggle with infertility, for those who have lost children, those who are without employment or have trouble making ends meet, and those who are struggling to understand God's plans for them. Live for today and relax about tomorrow. He hears our cries and knows what's best for us.

Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6

Owwsi

(Translation Jack-ish to English: "outside")

Jack's favorite things:
1. Choo choos (i.e. trains) and trucks, but especially trains. Sometimes I feel like this is all he cares about.
2. Books, particularly about choo choos
3. Thomas videos (I've only seen 1 at the library, and we pretty much have that one memorized. Thank God for youtube)
4. Food (he could live on strawberries if I let him)
5. Owwsi

We don't have a ton for the outside, so I'd like some feedback if you could. Should we build him a swing set? Mind you, I am cheap, so big purchases like this take a lot of thought. I usually talk myself (or hubby) out of anything over $20. Make that $5, unless it includes food or gas.

We have some push toys, a tricycle, a tree swing (thanks Mom and Dad!) that is about to break the poor tree limb because (ehhem, see #4) he's at least 30 lbs at this point. We definitely need to move it before our tree lands on our house. We also have a simple sandbox/trucks/shovels, which he loves. Add in some sidewalk chalk, a few balls, and a wagon, and that's about it for the outside. For someone who could practically live outside if we let him, I feel like there is something missing. But I'm finding that I have a fear (like my mom had when we were kids) that he'll never use it. So, for those who have one, do you recommend it? If not, what are your favorite outdoor activities for a toddler/preschooler?

I've also pondered the ever-daunting trampoline. I say daunting, b/c I am scared to death of those things. My parents probably vividly remember when I came home from a friend's house with an ankle so messed up (3 major tendons torn, including the achilles) that I vowed to never step on a trampoline again. But this is yet another activity that Jack loves and is a great way to get exercise.

On another note, I want to direct you to my friend, Mandy's blog. She posted some cute pictures of our kids playing. Jack had such a blast at their house! Usually it takes him 10 minutes to warm up, but he quickly left my arms and wreaked havoc on the poor girl's playroom. :)

The Real Inconvenient Truth

The pro-life movement has been discussed and debated so much, that I think it has in some ways been desensitized. I, for one, almost forget what I'm really saying when I say I'm pro-life. Sure, I think abortion is wrong...blah blah blah. But watching this clip of Bill Clinton speak so strongly against the right to life brought me to tears, not understanding how this has gotten so out of control. Pro-abortionists are probably so used to seeing bumper stickers with "adoption, not abortion" or "xxxx million babies murdered each year" that they don't even think about what that means anymore. I sometimes hate myself for not praying about this often enough, for not standing up and saying "this is evil!" to those who don't agree.

This is a sensitive subject for some, a simple, non-emotional political argument for others. I have many pro-life friends, some of whom have had abortions in the past. I see the heartache it causes. I see the open wound that it leaves behind. Abortion doesn't just hurt the child, but it forever scars the mother. Why can't people see how devastating this is for our families, our communities, our whole world? Why can't people accept the consequences of their actions, no matter how inconvenient those consequences are? Why do we insist that it is wrong to watch a person abuse their children, neglect them, drown them in lakes, but say it's a woman's right to kill her unborn baby? I know what it's like to have a child who isn't "perfect" or who doesn't fit into my perfect little life. I know what it's like to be scared *out of one's mind* about the prospect of having a child who has special needs. I know friends who spend their nights in hospital rooms while their children are on ventilators, fighting for their lives. But, my God, they are no less human than we are! This is a holocaust that I fear has no end in sight, and I shake at the thought of what it really means. I feel responsible for not taking a stronger stance, for being fearful of offending others who don't think like me. Back in high school, our youth group would pray the Rosary in front of an abortion clinic in Pittsburgh - one of the largest in the country. I remember fervently praying for the women walking inside, for the clinic escorts who scorned and mocked us. The evil I had witnessed in the escorts' faces is indescribable. But now that I'm in my cozy little neighborhood, in my cozy little town, I too easily forget that this happens every single day, to millions of mothers and their children. I just hope and pray that my story can touch those who are faced with similar situations. And that God will use me in any way he can to reach out to scared and helpless women who don't know which way to turn.

On another note, I read on a forum this scripture passage that someone posted. I think it speaks well to those who have lost loved ones:

Hope in the Lord. My soul is deprived of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is; I tell myself my future is lost, all that I hoped for from the Lord. The thought of my homeless poverty is wormwood and gall; Remembering it over and over leaves my soul downcast within me. But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have hope: The favors of the LORD are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. My portion is the LORD, says my soul; therefore will I hope in him. Good is the LORD to one who waits for him, to the soul that seeks him; It is good to hope in silence for the saving help of the LORD.
Lamentations 3:17-26

I can say at this point that I now remember what happiness is, thank God. I have restored hope. In fact, I feel more fulfilled because I know exactly what it's like to hit the bottom and to live in despair. Living in the moment is all I can do, and I'm really starting to get that. I love my family so much...sometimes I wonder how my heart is going to remain intact when I feel it swell with love for my son and husband. (Jack's laugh especially does a number on it!). And honestly, I give Bernadette all the credit. I miss her desperately, but I know it is because of her death that I have gained such appreciation for the life I have.

May she continue to intercede for us and for all those who have walked with us in this journey!

Our Lady of Lourdes

So, today marks the 150th anniversary of Lourdes, where Mary appeared to St. Bernadette and identified herself as the Immaculate Conception. During my pregnancy with Bernadette, I drank water that John Mark brought back from Lourdes 9 years ago (we have a large bottle of it - it still tastes sweet and fresh!). As I drank it, I begged God to heal our sweet baby. Well, he did eventually heal her in the most perfect way possible - by allowing her spirit to rest eternally in heaven.

I have thought a lot about St. Bernadette and the immense suffering she went through during her brief life. Yet Mary came to her - a humble and poor woman - and through Bernadette's faithfulness and obedience, countless miracles, conversions, and healings have occurred. At Mass today, I came to realize just how simple life was. We are here for one purpose...to get to heaven and bring as many people with us as we can. We are called to love and serve God and his people. The End. All these bumps in the road are scary and treacherous, but if we keep our hearts and minds focused on Christ, we will get there (by the grace of God). St. Bernadette was poor, uneducated, and very ill. She died in her 20's. Yet God used her to move mountains, and in the end, that was all that mattered. So, I can sit here and complain that life isn't fair. That nothing is turning out the way I had wanted it to. Or I can allow God to lead me to where he wants me to go. I can stop worrying about what tomorrow will bring and just accept where I am today. He knows what he's doing.

St. Bernadette and little St. Bernadette, pray for us! Happy Feast Day!


Christmas '07 - Eating, of course

Being Thankful

I have met some wonderful people through Bernadette's short life, some of whom I've already mentioned. Another friend of mine, who actually lives near me, is someone I met through a clubfoot forum. Her son has a serious muscle disorder, and I'd like to ask you to pray for him. He's in the hospital with RSV, which is scary for anyone, let alone a child who has trouble breathing to begin with. He's currently on a ventilator in the PICU. Her blog is here. She is such a self-less, down-to-earth mother who has given me so much support this past year. She is undoubtedly an inspiration to many moms who have special-needs children!

Jack and I are still in Mobile. John Mark drove his dad's car back home, but we stayed behind to get the car fixed and to have Jack play with his cousins. He absolutely loves it here. I am sick with a weird stomach bug, so I'm trying to hibernate and keep my germies to myself. We have been keeping up with the Gaudet's house. We went by last night (their neighbor behind them allows folks to stand in their driveway and watch) and were amazed that in a matter of 2 days, they already had the foundation, frame, and part of the roof already put up! At the demolition on Sunday, it was pretty funny to see people (particularly women) go nuts at having a celebrity in their midst. They kept screaming "Ty!!!" like little school girls.

Speaking of Extreme Makeover, we watched Sunday's episode about the girl who was diagnosed with brain cancer, which eventually spread to her bone marrow. Only months after their new house was built, she passed away on Dec 28, 2007. Her story really touched me because I know all too well that death and suffering are real. It's not just something that is reserved for somebody else. When they would ask her about the chemo treatment she received, she just said how sorry she was that other kids had to suffer like she does. That when you spend your days sick in a hospital bed, you don't get to live your life. They showed some kids in the hospital playroom who were there for treatment. These kids are forced to grow up way too quickly. A sweet boy, JJ, whose family belongs to our parish passed away last January from cancer. His mom is in a moms group I'm in, and she has been an inspiration to many. Joy just radiates from her, and it's so apparent that she is living her life to the fullest, knowing how easily it can be taken away.

So, my prayers go out to all children who suffer. For their parents who feel helpless and afraid. May God grant you peace!

Mardi Gras

This weekend, we drove to Mobile for Mardi Gras. Lots of unexpected excitement!

1. Fifteen miles from Caroline's house, as we are driving on I-65, we hit a deer! I was driving in the right lane, and I saw the adorable thing coming from the left side. The car in front of us just missed it, but there was no way I could avoid it. :( If I had swerved, who knows what would've happened to the traffic behind me. So, I ran right into it. Our Guardian angels were clearly protecting us, though, because it could have been MUCH worse. It hit our hood, then ran right into the right side of the windshield. I muttered (well, muttered may not be the best word) "Deer...deer...DEER!" and as John Mark looked up, he saw her head come right at him. If it wasn't for the column between the windshield and passenger door, she could've easily killed John Mark. I stopped on the side of the road, and all of a sudden, Jack just started screaming. I have a feeling he will never be much of a hunter after this experience. When I got out, I asked "Where is the deer? Did he run off?" But of course, she was lying dead near the trees 100 feet behind us. :( So, that was a great start to our trip. BUT,

2. Friends of the Webers (The Gaudet Family) won Extreme Makeover Home Edition yesterday! We knew they were in the Top 5, but we didn't get our hopes up since it seemed so unbelievable. Caroline and her family used to live 2 doors down from them, and I wish they still did so we could witness the excitement. They have the neighborhood blocked off, and the cops won't allow anyone to drive through. They are allowing the public to witness the demolition tomorrow and the unveiling next weekend, though. Anyway, we are so excited for them. They are now in Arizona at a resort and are going to the Super Bowl! They have 8 kids all together. Their family is involved in the charismatic community that John Mark's family belonged to, and they have been friends for many years. We are all praising God for the wonderful gift of a new home and a better life for their family. http://www.al.com/news/mobileregister/index.ssf?/base/news/1201947350288250.xml&coll=3&thispage=2

So, I will post some pics of our car soon and keep you updated on the Gaudet's!

Prayers needed!!

My friend, Jennifer and her family need many prayers! Mikey, her son, who was born with cloacal exstrophy and received a kidney transplant last year, is really sick. He's been in and out of the hospital this winter, and no one quite knows what is wrong. His birth story is here. She also has a website that she updates regularly.

Jennifer has given me so much support these past 9 months, directing me to the right surgeons, giving me advice, and preparing me for Bernadette's arrival. She even sent us a bunch of winter clothes for Jack while we were in Baltimore (the sweatshirt Jack is wearing in the pics below is one of them :). Her incredible strength and selflessness inspire me. I feel a special closeness to Mikey, even though we have never met. When I put one of his shirts on Jack, I ask Bernadette to intercede for him, and I silently cheer him on.

Please pray for the physicians caring for him, as well. That they may receive the wisdom to understand Mikey's condition and help relieve his pain and suffering.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Get better soon, Mikey!

Jack

Our neighbors took these photos of Jack yesterday. Enjoy. :)

New Life

Today, John Mark, Jack, and I went to a wedding of our friends, Nic and Petra. They are such great, God-filled people, and I know God will do great things through them. I can't remember if it was during the homily or what, but Fr. Phil mentioned how through this sacrament, new life is created. Obviously, that could be taken literally, in terms of having kids and such, but I think in a way, you are transformed - become new - when you marry your spouse. Suddenly, you have the responsibility not only of your own salvation, but of your husband or wife's. You must lift him up in prayer, hold him accountable, witness to him, and honor him.

After losing a child, the vows said at a wedding have a greater meaning to me. Three years ago, when John Mark and I stood in front of the altar and committed ourselves to one another, we never dreamed that life would throw us this curve ball. I remember when my sister-in-law (sitting in for John Mark) and I were consulting with the Chief of Pediatric Neurosurgery at UAB. He said "Now let me tell you something. The majority of couples who have a special needs child end up filing for a divorce because you end up neglecting your relationship. Your baby is not the only important person in your life. You have other family members to care for, including your husband and your son." At the time, I was sort of shocked that he would bring up something so personal, but I eventually realized how easy it was to disregard everyone around you when you suffer a tragedy. I thank God for John Mark's steadfastness, wisdom, and devotion to me and Jack. I think he is one of the main reasons I am still standing and have not lost hope.

So, today, I pray for all married couples - those who are recently married, that they may receive the grace when faced with difficult decisions and heavy crosses in the future. For those struggling with infertility, child loss, divorce, illness, and the caring for special needs children. May the grace that pours forth from the Sacrament of Marriage give them the strength and courage to lift each other up and bring each other closer to Christ.

By the way, here are some pics...the one below (excuse the bad cropping job) was taken on our first - and probably only - snowfall of the year. I swear there are snowflakes there, you just can't see them. ;)

He has a thing for cups that are bigger than his head:
And this one, I'll entitle "Boogers":

Jack the Toolman:
The picture below was taken of our Dogwood after 10 hours of being hosed with water overnight in 15 degree weather. Our outside pipe was freezing, so John Mark let the water trickle through a sprinkler in order to create this masterpiece. We don't get too many naturally-formed icicles in these parts, so we work hard on creating our own. These pictures probably won't interest anyone other than our family living in the deep south where it hardly reaches below 50. My family in Pennsylvania will probably just roll their eyes and move on. :-)




And here are 2 pics from Christmas in Mobile, courtesy of Jen-Jen:


And I apologize for the fuzziness of this next picture (my camera is breaking), but I had to squeeze this one in...after a very hard day of working in the kitchen, Grandma settled down for the night with some Guitar Hero III. How cool is that? I have a hunch it wasn't all that relaxing, though.

Glory Baby

As Danielle lays her baby down to sleep today, we pray for peace and consolation. The funeral is at 1pm, Mountain Time. I listen to this song almost every day to find strength (thanks Petra!), and I hope parents who have lost children find hope in the words.

I have been thinking a lot about Bernadette's funeral today, and I have vivid memories of laying her casket into the ground. Of not wanting to let her go. May everyone who is burying loved ones today find the strength to get through the day.

We miss you, sweet Bernadette.

Rick and Bubba

Many prayers go out to the Burgess family for their loss. I was incredibly taken aback when I read in the paper about Rick's 2 yr old son's drowning. I was a devoted listener to their morning show until it was taken off the air here in Huntsville a few months ago. (Edit: just found out it's now on 100.3 - yea!) It's crazy how I keep learning about good Christians losing loved ones. So much is out of our control.

Even though I have experienced a loss and am surviving somehow, I look at Jack and am sure that I would lose my mind if he died. It makes me want to hold onto his hand, and never let him leave my sight again. But we must simply live our lives to the fullest and be grateful for every breath that we breathe.

Here's a link to a blog about a young girl's near drowning. I came upon it when I was checking out crock pot recipes - go figure! Her story is beautiful.

Please Pray!

I was just about to write about how Bernadette's 3 mos anniversary was today, and that I felt that I was making great strides in the healing process. But then, I discovered that a friend of mine from a Catholic forum I'm on just lost her full-term baby today. I just want to scream with anger - why does anyone else have to go through this? It just isn't right! The horror of October 17 has just come flooding back, and I actually wish that I could go through it again so that she could have her precious baby back. My heart physically aches for her.

I don't even know what else to say. Please pray for her and her family. Her name is Danielle and her sweet boy's name is William Patrick.

little saint Bernadette, please pray!
Amen

Relinquishing Control

Naive. That's the perfect word to describe myself prior to Bernadette's death. It's sad that my daughter had to die in order for me to grow up. I thought I understood what faith and trust in the Lord meant, but I had no idea. On The View this week, Joy Behar claimed that all the Saints were crazy, and we simply mistaken their craziness for holiness. Despite the absurdity of her comment, it got me thinking about all the Saints that have gone before us. Most of them bore tremendous crosses that the majority of us can't fathom carrying. Mother Teresa often felt as if she were abandoned by God. She, and many Saints, questioned God's existence during the dark trials of their souls. Yet they continued to serve the poorest of the poor, they witnessed to others, they walked their lives of faiths despite (or maybe because of) their crosses. I should feel honored to suffer, although this certainly isn't something I asked for. I shouldn't ask what I did wrong to deserve it; rather, I should ask how it makes me a better wife, mother, and friend.

One of the things that I struggle with is not knowing what the future holds. I look at families with multiple children and become frightened that the yearning in my heart for a large family may not be God's plan for us. My pride makes me wonder if God thinks I can't handle it. And instead of directing my energy towards prayer during this difficult grieving process, I spend my time worrying that we may never have another child. It's a dangerous road to walk, because it only leads to more anger and less acceptance of God's will. So, lately that has been my plea...that somehow, I may surrender my will and know that we are taken care of. And most importantly, to be thankful for my devoted husband and my adorable son and daughter.

Suffering

One of the many things I dwell on is whether or not Bernadette felt pain in the moments before her death. I remember when Jack was very young, and we were visiting John Mark's parents. He was asleep on the bed upstairs, and as the rest of us were eating breakfast in the kitchen, I faintly heard his cries of terror. I ran up the stairs and found him on the floor, screaming in fear. I remember feeling so helpless and horrified that I allowed him to fall off the bed. There's nothing like watching your child get hurt or fall ill. So, I think about that day in October and wonder what it was like for her. Did she die in her sleep? What if those last kicks I felt before I left for my ultrasound were of her struggling? (Sorry, I know these images aren't exactly pretty, but I'm trying to be honest about the futile battles I experience in my mind.) Anyway, something I've come to realize is that the past is just that - the past. Regardless of whether she felt pain, she certainly isn't feeling it now. I need to transform my image of her death into what it truly is - a new life, an eternity in heaven. If only I could accept the fact that she's better off there, instead of in my arms. I imagine it's nearly impossible for any mother to accept that.

On a completely separate note, I wanted to ask you all to pray for a woman named Tricia who I found out about from a forum I frequent. She has Cystic Fibrosis and was preparing for a lung transplant when she discovered she was pregnant. She is currently 24 wks along, so the transplant has been postponed until the baby is delivered. Please pray for the physicians who have to help decide how long to go before performing a C-section. The longer they wait, the better chances the baby has of surviving. But the longer they wait, the greater the risk for Tricia. Her husband's blog is: CFHusband.Blogspot.Com

Edited to add: Tricia's website is http://65roses4pattysue.com/

A New Year

As painful as 2007 has been for me, it is hard to say goodbye. It's as if I am walking further and further away from my daughter, leaving her behind in some place that I am forced to abandon. But in actuality, I've got it all wrong. Fr. Phil, our priest, stated it so well in his homily today: those who die become more fully human, more complete, than we ever knew them to be on earth. They are closer to us, even more so than the people whose hands we can physically touch. As I sit here at my desk, I imagine Bernadette's perfect hand on my shoulder. She is praying for me in my sorrow and knows how much I love her. She watches me sleep, she watches me kiss her father and big brother as we start our day together. She watches Jack get into trouble, she laughs when we laugh, and wipes away the tears that we cry. How beautiful that is! She's as much a part of our family as she would have been if she were alive. She is our patron saint, our intercessor, and I feel so blessed to have her ever present in our lives.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but something I have a hard time with is when someone asks how many children I have. On the way to John Mark's parents' house for Christmas, we stopped at a Waffle House. The woman sitting behind me asked if Jack was our only child. I hesitated, but finally answered "yes". I regretted it as soon as I said it. How dare I leave Bernadette out of our family! The next week, someone in Kroger asked the same question, and I just quietly answered "he's my only living child." Along those same lines (well, not really), I hear a lot of moms who have experienced still births say one of the challenges is having the body of a post partum mother, yet having no baby to show for it. You're leaking milk like crazy, painfully engorged, your abdomen is flabby, and you are 20 lbs heavier. It seems superficial, yet insanely cruel at the same time. I remember taking a shower in the hospital before being discharged, and I refused to look down at my belly. I felt so ugly, knowing the dramatic changes my body had gone through, and it felt like it was all for nothing. So, if you know someone who is going through a still birth or loss of a newborn, make sure you tell her how beautiful she is, despite the rolls of extra skin, the bags under her eyes caused by the sleepless nights, and the gigantic boobs.