Naive. That's the perfect word to describe myself prior to Bernadette's death. It's sad that my daughter had to die in order for me to grow up. I thought I understood what faith and trust in the Lord meant, but I had no idea. On The View this week, Joy Behar claimed that all the Saints were crazy, and we simply mistaken their craziness for holiness. Despite the absurdity of her comment, it got me thinking about all the Saints that have gone before us. Most of them bore tremendous crosses that the majority of us can't fathom carrying. Mother Teresa often felt as if she were abandoned by God. She, and many Saints, questioned God's existence during the dark trials of their souls. Yet they continued to serve the poorest of the poor, they witnessed to others, they walked their lives of faiths despite (or maybe because of) their crosses. I should feel honored to suffer, although this certainly isn't something I asked for. I shouldn't ask what I did wrong to deserve it; rather, I should ask how it makes me a better wife, mother, and friend.
One of the things that I struggle with is not knowing what the future holds. I look at families with multiple children and become frightened that the yearning in my heart for a large family may not be God's plan for us. My pride makes me wonder if God thinks I can't handle it. And instead of directing my energy towards prayer during this difficult grieving process, I spend my time worrying that we may never have another child. It's a dangerous road to walk, because it only leads to more anger and less acceptance of God's will. So, lately that has been my plea...that somehow, I may surrender my will and know that we are taken care of. And most importantly, to be thankful for my devoted husband and my adorable son and daughter.
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Hi Michele,
I'd like to think that there was something that I could say or do that would ease your pain. As a linguist, I've grown to love words, but I also know that sometimes they're lackluster at times when we need them the most.
I can relate to your second paragraph, as well. It's easy to wonder what the future will hold ~ to worry about it rather than to hand it over to the one who already knows it all. But I do have a story that I hope will bring you some sense of peace.
My grandmother was one of the strongest women I know. I hope that Mark and I are blessed with a girl one day, just so that I can use her name. Gram suffered quite a bit when she had chilren. Most people don't know that my mom also has two lost brothers. Her worries were similar to yours, and who could blame her? But through lots of prayer, she came through what she called some of her darkest times. And she had two more healthy baby girls. (Much to my grandfather's chagrin, I'm sure.) :-) ~~ I still understand your worry, and I don't blame you for feeling that way. The one phrase that I try to lean on when times get tough is one that Gram actually used to say: "If he can't get you through it, he won't lead you to it." Though I'm cognizant of the fact that this doesn't make the process pleasant or easy.
Mark and I still continue to pray for you, for your family, and for Bernadette. I hope that with each passing day that it gets a little easier. We'll continue to pray for you and that you're delivered whatever you need to continue your ministries each day.
Hope to see you guys soon!
Jennifer Nicolas
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