John Mark said I can blame it on pregnancy brain, but I don't even think I was pregnant at the time, so there goes that excuse. Hmm...
On another note, I can't believe it's October. A year ago last weekend, we made our trip to Baltimore. Two weeks later, our daughter passed away. The picture of Jack on my main blog page is from our annual visit to the pumpkin patch that we made a week before we headed north. (Yes, I know, I absolutely stink at updating photos.) We are heading there again this weekend, and I wonder how I'm going to handle it. I don't even know how to describe what it's like to be living in the season in which she died. It's just...strange. It seems impossible that a year has passed. Almost as if I'm in the movie Groundhog's Day, and I am pregnant with Bernadette all over again. I brought out some fall decorations from the garage and discovered the little candy bowl - in the shape of fall leaves - that was left at our house when we arrived home after her death. It held caramels left by our neighbors. I didn't cry when I picked it up...I just felt that ache that I sometimes feel when I find myself reliving those weeks last October. I see a pot of mums on someone's porch, and I am brought back to that day we arrived and saw mums on our own porch left by yet another neighbor (yeah, we live on a great street with amazing neighbors).
Fall is my favorite season here in the south. But I had anticipated a sort of dread with its (slow) arrival because of all the bad memories associated with it. But there's a nostalgia, in a way. The week following Bernadette's passing, we came home. This is where I healed, grew up, and learned how to live again. I have to admit though, that I look forward to getting through her 1 year anniversary, something that has been looming on the horizon for what seems like forever.
2 comments:
I think that makes perfect sense. Nothing that you've said sounds odd or out of place. I can't speak from experience... only from what I've heard friends go through say. And I do believe that it gets easier with time. And while the bittersweet remains.... it does get a little sweeter as Bernadette marks your heart. That's the way one of my friends put it. She'll always be with you and with anyone who cares about you and your family.
Hang in. We'll all pray you through this month.
Man, I forgot all about that chili that you had suggested. Poor hubby tried to make some chili the other day and it turned out really yucky!!! (if it can be possible for a chili to be yucky). I will have to look back on your recipe and try it.
As for it being close to a year for Bernadette, I have been thinking about you and your family during this time and will pray for you as you mark her one year on both birth and passing. She will always be remembered and be present in our thoughts and prayers.
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