Holy Week has been spiritually exhausting for me. I think sometimes it's easy to just push grief and suffering aside, if only to catch my breath and to give my heavy heart a break, but I made an extra effort to meditate on my sorrow and experience Christ's Passion as I've never experienced it before. I used to go to Confession at the beginning of Lent...it's not one of my favorite activities, so I usually want to get it over with. But I waited until Holy Thursday this year. I had gone in December, but the sadness was still so raw back then, that I was sort of numb through the whole thing. There was a long line this time, and Jack was with John Mark at work, so I was able to focus all my energy on what these past few months have done in regards to my faith. It was painful, mainly because my current weaknesses and sin are all new to me - they are reminders of the person I had become the moment Bernadette's heart stopped beating. In many aspects, the new me is stronger in her faith - I have witnessed God's grace in so many ways that I simply could not deny him at this point. But at the same time, the temptations of envy, fear, pride, and hard-heartedness can throw swings at me so fast that I hardly have time to prepare for impact. As C.S. Lewis states in The Screwtape Letters, Satan will try to grab hold of you in the most subtle ways. The example I remember most is that of the faithful Christian who attends a Sunday service and becomes increasingly annoyed at the off-key singer behind him. The devil knows our weaknesses and will do anything to break us. And when a tragedy hits close to home, he'll do anything to use it to his advantage.
When something bad happens, I picture it like a railroad track that's about to split into 2 routes (can you tell I'm around train talk a lot?). There is a point in the track where there are 4 steel rails instead of 2, and they slowly split off into 2 separate tracks. Grief can sorta be that way. There is a bit of time where you can sometimes feel like there are 2 paths in one - you feel angry and alone. You push God away, insisting that he is not welcome anymore. But at the same time, you hold onto him and pray fervently that he will get you through this mess. Eventually, you must choose whether you will allow the anger to boil over and envelope your life. Or whether you will embrace his love, accept his grace, and trust that he has a perfect plan for you. I hope and pray that I can experience each day to the fullest in the spirit of our daughter's memory. She represents what life is really all about - sharing eternity with our Father in heaven.
Happy Easter.
4 comments:
Just a quick note about the Extreme Makeover part of the post... We saw the second half of the show, and I have to wonder - is that really how they say their last name? My mom was a Gaudet, so I think I know how to pronounce it. I cringed every time I heard one of the hosts say their name. The same thing happens when watching LSU football games. :)
I'm thinking about you, Michele, and hope you find a bit of peace today. Give that cutie son of yours a hug for me and save one for yourself.
Nic - Yup, they pronounced it correctly, well at least according to this Gaudet family. :) How do you pronounce it?
Interesting. I guess that's a South Alabama thing. I'll have to ask my aunt and uncles if they've ever heard of any other Gaudet's pronouncing it that way. In Louisiana, it's "Go Day". On TV, it sounded like "Gaw Day".
I've never really thought about it before, but now I'm trying to think of French words that have "au" in them. It's pronounced "o" in words like "au", "chaud", and "autre". But I'm not sure if that's completely consistent. Anyway, I'm not one to tell someone else how to pronounce their name. It just struck me as unusual because it's a name that I've heard differently my whole life.
As far as the larger portion of the post... hang in there Michele! God will reward your enduring trust in Him.
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