A Joyful Day in Heaven

Our little baby passed away on Wednesday, October 17. They induced me, and I delivered her at 1:48pm on Thursday. She was 5 lb 8 oz. We aren't sure of the sex b/c the genitals were ambiguous, but we will let you know once the kerotyping results come back in a couple of weeks.

I went in for a fetal echo on Wednesday, during which they couldn't find a heartbeat. I knew something was wrong as soon as the chest showed up on the screen with nothing moving or beating. It was the darkest hour of my life while I waited frantically for John Mark, who had to find someone to watch Jack before he drove 40 minutes to the hospital. I remember shaking uncontrollably, refusing to put my hand to my belly to search for movement. The baby was breech, but they chose to induce anyway. They started cervidil that night. I was 5 cm dilated by the time they started the pitocin 12 hours later, so it didn't take long before my water broke and I started pushing. I got an epidural at some point during labor, but it only numbed my right side. When I began pushing, I was convinced I was in hell. I was terrified of what our baby might look like, of coming face to face with my greatest nightmare, and I simply couldn't comprehend how I was going to have the strength to push this child out only to have silence follow. The pain was horrific - I really don't have any idea how moms go through natural labor willingly. Finally, the child's behind (he was frank breech), then legs, came through. The head was last, of course. John Mark went over to see our deceased baby, and the perinatologist discussed with him some of the anomalies that might suggest a chromosomal defect. He had 2 thumbs on his left hand, and his right lower leg was split in 2, with 2 nubs instead of a foot. His eyes were slightly slanted, and his lips were thin. Part of the colon was outside the omphalocele, and as I said, the genitals were split in 2, and it was too hard to tell if it was a girl or boy.

I didn't have the emotional strength to see the baby until they wrapped him up and placed him in my arms. I'm sure all of Labor & Delivery heard my sobs. He was the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen, with perfect reddish-brown curls on his head and a soft nubby nose.
I don't think I will ever forget the helplessness I felt during that moment with him. How could I let this innocent little baby die? How could I not have noticed the ceasing of movements on Wednesday? Why didn't they just rip me open and try to revive him? Why did it have to end like this, after we dropped everything to move to Maryland to try to make things right?

I must say, however, that the care and support I received at Hopkins was incredible. The doctors and nurses were always focused on making things as comfortable as possible for me. They were full of encouragement when I was convinced I wouldn't be able to go through with it. The nurses cried along with us, and I almost felt guilty that I had to put them through such a terrible experience.

I was able to come home today, October 19, b/c I only slightly tore and recovery hasn't been too complicated. It's John Mark's birthday, and I couldn't think of a worse birthday gift, lol. We both feel at peace b/c we are too aware of all the pain and suffering this child would've gone through if he lived (due to his condition). But the emptiness I feel is overwhelming. None of this seems right. So, please keep our family in your prayers. We are probably going to head home to Alabama in a few days, once I am able to sit up and walk more comfortably. We are having our child cremated so that we can bring him home with us and have a proper funeral and burial. They are currently performing an autopsy to determine the exact cause of death.

I will keep you posted on any updates. Thanks again for all your prayers and support!
Michele, John Mark, Jack, and our little saint