Grace

If I could have a lifetime wish,
a dream that would come true
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back.
I know because I've tried.
And neither can a million tears;
I know because I've cried
You left behind my broken heart
and happy memories too.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

I discovered this poem and decided to post it, because it perfectly describes what I've been through these past 2 weeks. It amazes me how much I have changed since that moment I discovered our sweet Bernadette had passed. In an instant, I recognized our mortality, our lack of immunity against suffering and tragedy. It is only by the grace of God and many words of wisdom from other moms who have walked this road that I have gained hope that I will survive this, that our daughter is indeed in heaven, being held and loved by Our Mother and her Son. Without grace, I honestly don't know how I would find the energy to get up in the morning, let alone experience joy again.

So, hopefully I will someday learn to accept that I may never know why Bernadette had to die. I may never realize what graces have been poured forth into our family and into those touched by her short life on earth and in heaven. I don't think I'm there yet, but I am relieved that I am able to pray again, even if it's simple utterances of His name while I lie awake at night in darkness and sorrow.

I don't really know the point of my blog at this point. My original intention was to both educate other moms whose children have been diagnosed with cloacal exstrophy, as well as to keep family and friends updated on our situation. But obviously, things didn't go as planned. Hopefully, I will be able to continue sharing my thoughts as I grieve and heal from our loss. Maybe moms who experience stillbirth can learn from my experience...I know that much of my healing occurs from talking to others who have lived through such a tragedy.