Prayers needed!!

My friend, Jennifer and her family need many prayers! Mikey, her son, who was born with cloacal exstrophy and received a kidney transplant last year, is really sick. He's been in and out of the hospital this winter, and no one quite knows what is wrong. His birth story is here. She also has a website that she updates regularly.

Jennifer has given me so much support these past 9 months, directing me to the right surgeons, giving me advice, and preparing me for Bernadette's arrival. She even sent us a bunch of winter clothes for Jack while we were in Baltimore (the sweatshirt Jack is wearing in the pics below is one of them :). Her incredible strength and selflessness inspire me. I feel a special closeness to Mikey, even though we have never met. When I put one of his shirts on Jack, I ask Bernadette to intercede for him, and I silently cheer him on.

Please pray for the physicians caring for him, as well. That they may receive the wisdom to understand Mikey's condition and help relieve his pain and suffering.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Get better soon, Mikey!

Jack

Our neighbors took these photos of Jack yesterday. Enjoy. :)

New Life

Today, John Mark, Jack, and I went to a wedding of our friends, Nic and Petra. They are such great, God-filled people, and I know God will do great things through them. I can't remember if it was during the homily or what, but Fr. Phil mentioned how through this sacrament, new life is created. Obviously, that could be taken literally, in terms of having kids and such, but I think in a way, you are transformed - become new - when you marry your spouse. Suddenly, you have the responsibility not only of your own salvation, but of your husband or wife's. You must lift him up in prayer, hold him accountable, witness to him, and honor him.

After losing a child, the vows said at a wedding have a greater meaning to me. Three years ago, when John Mark and I stood in front of the altar and committed ourselves to one another, we never dreamed that life would throw us this curve ball. I remember when my sister-in-law (sitting in for John Mark) and I were consulting with the Chief of Pediatric Neurosurgery at UAB. He said "Now let me tell you something. The majority of couples who have a special needs child end up filing for a divorce because you end up neglecting your relationship. Your baby is not the only important person in your life. You have other family members to care for, including your husband and your son." At the time, I was sort of shocked that he would bring up something so personal, but I eventually realized how easy it was to disregard everyone around you when you suffer a tragedy. I thank God for John Mark's steadfastness, wisdom, and devotion to me and Jack. I think he is one of the main reasons I am still standing and have not lost hope.

So, today, I pray for all married couples - those who are recently married, that they may receive the grace when faced with difficult decisions and heavy crosses in the future. For those struggling with infertility, child loss, divorce, illness, and the caring for special needs children. May the grace that pours forth from the Sacrament of Marriage give them the strength and courage to lift each other up and bring each other closer to Christ.

By the way, here are some pics...the one below (excuse the bad cropping job) was taken on our first - and probably only - snowfall of the year. I swear there are snowflakes there, you just can't see them. ;)

He has a thing for cups that are bigger than his head:
And this one, I'll entitle "Boogers":

Jack the Toolman:
The picture below was taken of our Dogwood after 10 hours of being hosed with water overnight in 15 degree weather. Our outside pipe was freezing, so John Mark let the water trickle through a sprinkler in order to create this masterpiece. We don't get too many naturally-formed icicles in these parts, so we work hard on creating our own. These pictures probably won't interest anyone other than our family living in the deep south where it hardly reaches below 50. My family in Pennsylvania will probably just roll their eyes and move on. :-)




And here are 2 pics from Christmas in Mobile, courtesy of Jen-Jen:


And I apologize for the fuzziness of this next picture (my camera is breaking), but I had to squeeze this one in...after a very hard day of working in the kitchen, Grandma settled down for the night with some Guitar Hero III. How cool is that? I have a hunch it wasn't all that relaxing, though.

Glory Baby

As Danielle lays her baby down to sleep today, we pray for peace and consolation. The funeral is at 1pm, Mountain Time. I listen to this song almost every day to find strength (thanks Petra!), and I hope parents who have lost children find hope in the words.

I have been thinking a lot about Bernadette's funeral today, and I have vivid memories of laying her casket into the ground. Of not wanting to let her go. May everyone who is burying loved ones today find the strength to get through the day.

We miss you, sweet Bernadette.

Rick and Bubba

Many prayers go out to the Burgess family for their loss. I was incredibly taken aback when I read in the paper about Rick's 2 yr old son's drowning. I was a devoted listener to their morning show until it was taken off the air here in Huntsville a few months ago. (Edit: just found out it's now on 100.3 - yea!) It's crazy how I keep learning about good Christians losing loved ones. So much is out of our control.

Even though I have experienced a loss and am surviving somehow, I look at Jack and am sure that I would lose my mind if he died. It makes me want to hold onto his hand, and never let him leave my sight again. But we must simply live our lives to the fullest and be grateful for every breath that we breathe.

Here's a link to a blog about a young girl's near drowning. I came upon it when I was checking out crock pot recipes - go figure! Her story is beautiful.

Please Pray!

I was just about to write about how Bernadette's 3 mos anniversary was today, and that I felt that I was making great strides in the healing process. But then, I discovered that a friend of mine from a Catholic forum I'm on just lost her full-term baby today. I just want to scream with anger - why does anyone else have to go through this? It just isn't right! The horror of October 17 has just come flooding back, and I actually wish that I could go through it again so that she could have her precious baby back. My heart physically aches for her.

I don't even know what else to say. Please pray for her and her family. Her name is Danielle and her sweet boy's name is William Patrick.

little saint Bernadette, please pray!
Amen

Relinquishing Control

Naive. That's the perfect word to describe myself prior to Bernadette's death. It's sad that my daughter had to die in order for me to grow up. I thought I understood what faith and trust in the Lord meant, but I had no idea. On The View this week, Joy Behar claimed that all the Saints were crazy, and we simply mistaken their craziness for holiness. Despite the absurdity of her comment, it got me thinking about all the Saints that have gone before us. Most of them bore tremendous crosses that the majority of us can't fathom carrying. Mother Teresa often felt as if she were abandoned by God. She, and many Saints, questioned God's existence during the dark trials of their souls. Yet they continued to serve the poorest of the poor, they witnessed to others, they walked their lives of faiths despite (or maybe because of) their crosses. I should feel honored to suffer, although this certainly isn't something I asked for. I shouldn't ask what I did wrong to deserve it; rather, I should ask how it makes me a better wife, mother, and friend.

One of the things that I struggle with is not knowing what the future holds. I look at families with multiple children and become frightened that the yearning in my heart for a large family may not be God's plan for us. My pride makes me wonder if God thinks I can't handle it. And instead of directing my energy towards prayer during this difficult grieving process, I spend my time worrying that we may never have another child. It's a dangerous road to walk, because it only leads to more anger and less acceptance of God's will. So, lately that has been my plea...that somehow, I may surrender my will and know that we are taken care of. And most importantly, to be thankful for my devoted husband and my adorable son and daughter.

Suffering

One of the many things I dwell on is whether or not Bernadette felt pain in the moments before her death. I remember when Jack was very young, and we were visiting John Mark's parents. He was asleep on the bed upstairs, and as the rest of us were eating breakfast in the kitchen, I faintly heard his cries of terror. I ran up the stairs and found him on the floor, screaming in fear. I remember feeling so helpless and horrified that I allowed him to fall off the bed. There's nothing like watching your child get hurt or fall ill. So, I think about that day in October and wonder what it was like for her. Did she die in her sleep? What if those last kicks I felt before I left for my ultrasound were of her struggling? (Sorry, I know these images aren't exactly pretty, but I'm trying to be honest about the futile battles I experience in my mind.) Anyway, something I've come to realize is that the past is just that - the past. Regardless of whether she felt pain, she certainly isn't feeling it now. I need to transform my image of her death into what it truly is - a new life, an eternity in heaven. If only I could accept the fact that she's better off there, instead of in my arms. I imagine it's nearly impossible for any mother to accept that.

On a completely separate note, I wanted to ask you all to pray for a woman named Tricia who I found out about from a forum I frequent. She has Cystic Fibrosis and was preparing for a lung transplant when she discovered she was pregnant. She is currently 24 wks along, so the transplant has been postponed until the baby is delivered. Please pray for the physicians who have to help decide how long to go before performing a C-section. The longer they wait, the better chances the baby has of surviving. But the longer they wait, the greater the risk for Tricia. Her husband's blog is: CFHusband.Blogspot.Com

Edited to add: Tricia's website is http://65roses4pattysue.com/

A New Year

As painful as 2007 has been for me, it is hard to say goodbye. It's as if I am walking further and further away from my daughter, leaving her behind in some place that I am forced to abandon. But in actuality, I've got it all wrong. Fr. Phil, our priest, stated it so well in his homily today: those who die become more fully human, more complete, than we ever knew them to be on earth. They are closer to us, even more so than the people whose hands we can physically touch. As I sit here at my desk, I imagine Bernadette's perfect hand on my shoulder. She is praying for me in my sorrow and knows how much I love her. She watches me sleep, she watches me kiss her father and big brother as we start our day together. She watches Jack get into trouble, she laughs when we laugh, and wipes away the tears that we cry. How beautiful that is! She's as much a part of our family as she would have been if she were alive. She is our patron saint, our intercessor, and I feel so blessed to have her ever present in our lives.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but something I have a hard time with is when someone asks how many children I have. On the way to John Mark's parents' house for Christmas, we stopped at a Waffle House. The woman sitting behind me asked if Jack was our only child. I hesitated, but finally answered "yes". I regretted it as soon as I said it. How dare I leave Bernadette out of our family! The next week, someone in Kroger asked the same question, and I just quietly answered "he's my only living child." Along those same lines (well, not really), I hear a lot of moms who have experienced still births say one of the challenges is having the body of a post partum mother, yet having no baby to show for it. You're leaking milk like crazy, painfully engorged, your abdomen is flabby, and you are 20 lbs heavier. It seems superficial, yet insanely cruel at the same time. I remember taking a shower in the hospital before being discharged, and I refused to look down at my belly. I felt so ugly, knowing the dramatic changes my body had gone through, and it felt like it was all for nothing. So, if you know someone who is going through a still birth or loss of a newborn, make sure you tell her how beautiful she is, despite the rolls of extra skin, the bags under her eyes caused by the sleepless nights, and the gigantic boobs.