Shattered Hopes

This video pretty much sums up our experience. It was very difficult to listen to this couple share their story - many tears were shed because the emotions I experienced during my 20 wk ultrasound and during the subsequent months were precisely what they were describing in this interview. The anger towards God, the fear to hope for miraculous healing, the feelings of complete loss of control. Shattered hopes.

I remember calling John Mark from my car with the news that our baby was sick. Not believing the words coming out of my mouth. It was such a slap in the face when the news just kept getting worse. I yelled at God - why are you letting this happen? What have I done wrong? I have been faithful to you, why aren't you faithful to me? And when she died, I just couldn't understand why he would take her from us when we had done everything we could to save her.

But there's always that quiet voice in my head that reminds me that this life is not ours. That we are called to serve him through every circumstance, every trial, every triumph. Why shouldn't I carry this cross? Since when was I told that suffering wouldn't have a place in my life? We should embrace it and get excited that we are able to participate in Christ's suffering. There is nothing but good that has come from her short life on earth.

Grieving is a very slow process. I am learning to trust again, but at the same time, I am still learning to accept that I have no idea what the future holds for me and my family. I still think about our daughter constantly and wonder what she'd be doing at this very moment if she were here with us. But I've stopped pinching myself, wondering when I'll wake up from this nightmare. I've stopped yelling at God, asking "why me?" A lot of wisdom has been gained...I no longer fool myself into thinking that I know what tomorrow will bring. Which is a marvelous thing really, because that leaves a lot more time for me to enjoy today.