There will always be triggers that will cause me to relive October 17. When I went in to get my wisdom teeth extracted last week, just having the nurse administer my IV brought me to near tears. It was like I was in L&D all over again. Going to my OB's office for my post partum checkup today was obviously painful, but honestly the hardest part was taking the elevator up to the 4th floor and opening the door that I've opened up a dozen other times. Except this time I wasn't anticipating hearing my daughter's heartbeat on the Doppler or getting my belly measured.
I am often afraid that my friends and family are tired of hearing about my loss, or at least will if I continually bring it up . Jack doesn't ever seem to mind, so I'll often talk to him about how much I miss his sister and how much fun they would have had together if she were alive. I hope he grows up knowing and loving Bernadette. She is such a great intercessor for him and our family, and I really want him to understand who she is and how much she means to us.
It's funny how the emotional ride that I am on can be so unpredictable. Often, I find myself getting into the groove of my old routine, then it hits me all over again. The past couple of nights I have spent just aching for my daughter. My chest feels weighted down, like she is in my arms and I am holding her tightly. The little lifeless body on the ultrasound screen flashes in my head repeatedly, and it's as if it were yesterday. I wish I had some warning when the hopelessness would overwhelm me, but at the same time, I'm glad I am able to enjoy the good moments w/o worrying whether I should feel sad or happy. I will experience both emotions. A lot. And it's okay if I enjoy life one minute, then the next, bawl my eyes out.
Well, there really was no point to this entry except to post a picture of Bernadette's burial plot. I plan to call Johns Hopkins tomorrow to see if they ever completed the autopsy report. I will update everyone if I hear anything.
2 comments:
I listened to the song "Down the Road of Bittersweet" on the website. The title couldn't be more appropriate. It was such a sweet song and at the same time such a sad one. My heart aches for you all and all the others who have had to go through this.
Please do not think that you shouldn't bring it up to your friends and family because you think they will get tired of hearing it. I know that I probably speak for all your friends and family when I say we need you to speak of your emotions to better help you through your times of sorrow and times of need and just times of happiness that you share with your son and others. This is one of the most devastating times that you have ever gone through and you need to be able to not let her die in your heart nor your mind. Keep her alive in spirit for John Mark, Jack, and for your friends and family to know her and love her with you. I read every post that you enter in and I never get tired of wanting to be there for you all. You are in constant prayers.
I will always be here for you- Love Aunt Joanie
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