Thank you

I just wanted to say thank you to all who sent cards, emailed me, and called on Friday. Your remembrance of Bernadette on her special day meant the world to us.

Annual Trip to Pumpkin Patch

An oopsie

So, several months ago I posted a recipe for Cincinnati Chili, a favorite meal of ours.  You'll notice the word chili, which usually means it contains chili powder.  Yeah, well, I failed to type out that the recipe calls for 1 tablespoon of chili powder.  Oops.  So, if it tasted a little...blah, boring...it's not because we have horrible taste in food, but because I apparently stink at proofreading.

John Mark said I can blame it on pregnancy brain, but I don't even think I was pregnant at the time, so there goes that excuse.  Hmm...

On another note, I can't believe it's October.  A year ago last weekend, we made our trip to Baltimore.  Two weeks later, our daughter passed away.  The picture of Jack on my main blog page is from our annual visit to the pumpkin patch that we made a week before we headed north.  (Yes, I know, I absolutely stink at updating photos.)  We are heading there again this weekend, and I wonder how I'm going to handle it.  I don't even know how to describe what it's like to be living in the season in which she died.  It's just...strange.  It seems impossible that a year has passed.  Almost as if I'm in the movie Groundhog's Day, and I am pregnant with Bernadette all over again.  I brought out some fall decorations from the garage and discovered the little candy bowl - in the shape of fall leaves - that was left at our house when we arrived home after her death.  It held caramels left by our neighbors.  I didn't cry when I picked it up...I just felt that ache that I sometimes feel when I find myself reliving those weeks last October.  I see a pot of mums on someone's porch, and I am brought back to that day we arrived and saw mums on our own porch left by yet another neighbor (yeah, we live on a great street with amazing neighbors).  

Fall is my favorite season here in the south.  But I had anticipated a sort of dread with its (slow) arrival because of all the bad memories associated with it.  But there's a nostalgia, in a way.  The week following Bernadette's passing, we came home.  This is where I healed, grew up, and learned how to live again.  I have to admit though, that I look forward to getting through her 1 year anniversary, something that has been looming on the horizon for what seems like forever.

First drawing!

Jack drew his first drawing!  Yup, you guessed it - Thomas the Tank Engine, 3 wheels and all.  I was just floored when I walked into the living room and saw a train drawn on the paper.  I rushed over and grabbed the half dozen sheets he had drawn them on and hid them in my "Jack file" for fear of him tearing them up and sprinkling them all over the cat.  OK, I admit, I also stuck one on the fridge to show it off.

I'm not quite sure why this milestone is so exciting to me.  I shouldn't be surprised that he knows how to draw them since he has begged me to draw about 5000 of them in the past 8 months.  Everytime I have a pen in my hand, he screams "draw Thomas!  Draw Diesel!  Draw Toby!"  I'm sure the check out lady at Publix thinks my artistic shopping list is just darling.  :)

Someday...

I'll get used to a child vomiting all over me repeatedly.  You can tell the difference between a new mom (me) and a veteran like my sister-in-law, Caroline.  Jack and I were visiting her family this past weekend, and we almost went the whole trip without getting sick (I get sick easily when I travel).  But alas, the last night, Jack woke up at midnight and threw up his dinner all over our bed.  Then subsequently threw up whatever was left for the next few hours.  His instinct was to put his face in my shirt and let me have it.  Then rest his head against me...right in the mess.  Having this happen at my own house is one thing.  Having it happen when I'm sharing someone else's guest-room bed with my son is another.  Oh yeah, and not having hubby with me to take care of the messy work. Thank God I was able to drive the 6 hrs home the next morning without showing any symptoms.  I had the plastic bag ready just in case, but it seems like I was spared.

I hate seeing my kid suffer.  I guess in a few years, things like stomach viruses and strept throat won't phase me.  For now, I want to cry when I see how uncomfortable he is.  Makes me realize just how difficult it would have been to watch Bernadette go through the dozens of surgeries she would have experienced if she had lived.  I pray for all parents who have to watch their children suffer, especially those in the hospital and those with chronic illnesses.  May God grant you peace and strength.

It's been awhile

After my computer got struck by lightening last month, I kind of got out of the blogging habit. I just wanted to give an update on us, even though I doubt anyone is actually reading this anymore! :)

By the grace of God, John Mark and I have been blessed with Baby Bean #3 who is due on February 24. We just learned that it is a baby girl. Wow, I am the mother of 2 daughters - neither of which I've actually met, but it's still crazy. Jack is of course excited. With Bernadette, he was too little to get the whole baby-in-belly concept. He was more amazed at the morphing of my belly button. I'm trying to teach him that he has 2 sisters - one in heaven and one in my tummy - but I'm sure it's a hard thing to grasp for a 2 yr old.

She looks wonderfully healthy so far. I've had an u/s during each visit, and so far so good. All her organs are inside her body, and I even got to see her bladder, which was more of a relief to me than I thought possible. Yeah, there are just some things I will never take for granted again.

So, there are a lot of mixed and complicated emotions that are going along with this pregnancy. I had a particularly hard time during the first trimester, b/c another 9 months seemed like an eternity after the nightmare of the previous year. But I guess it's just grace that's allowing me to enjoy it. I don't sit around and worry about the what-ifs as much as I thought I would.

I'll keep y'all updated. There's still a long road ahead and a lot can happen in the next 5 months, but I'm just praying that I'll survive whatever is around the corner.

God Bless,
Michele

9 month anniversary

Yesterday marked 9 months since our baby's heart beat its last. 9 months ago today, I delivered her. It's just unbelievable how time just keeps moving forward without me.